Some thoughts from someone who messed up…

Maybe it was the other person – most parts of it were me.

Love? It became ugly. Love turned out to be selfish, envious, and proud. It was easily angered, insecure, and boastful at the same time. Maybe it was the other person – most parts of it were me.

One day, I woke up and realized the people I may have caused pain. Hurt people hurt people. Maybe it is true after all. After a three-year the relationship ended, I chose to step back and be numb.

I traveled and met new people. The high was fleeting. It was there while the alcohol was there. It was there while the loud sounds were there. It was there while the strangers’ flesh was there. In some cases, I had the option to choose the height, color, ethnicity, or smile I wanted. But it was all fleeting. It was there while the moments last. What comes after it – haunting and empty. After all, it was a high, not happiness.

In every temple, church, and mosque, I tried talking to someone. I told Him that all of this didn’t feel right. I felt so far away from where I am trying to go. I feel lost.

One day, I chose to trace back my steps and looked back to the times when everything felt real. So I walked back and just continued walking to familiar places. I continued walking without really any purpose. I just want to reach anywhere that looks and feels familiar. Until I reached my province. It used to be the most judgmental and narrow-minded society that I know, but still, the sight of it gave me the comfort that only a home can give.  

That day, I know I am kissing dating goodbye. Every corner of my town reminded me how carefree my childhood was. It’s every street reminded me of how we played hide and seek until our parent’s curfew. The street foods just reminded me how plain my happiness was before. Its beach reminded me how I dreamt to go to all the famous countries only to realise this ocean in front of me is just as good.

I let myself be reminded of myself as a child. He was idealist and smart. He was very trustful and obedient. And he believed that true love exists.

I enjoyed seeing this side of myself opening up again – this side that I set aside to survive in the adult world. I think that I definitely love myself more now and that I am more comfortable seeing myself in front of the mirror. I am proud to reach the point that other’s opinion does not bother me anymore even in the slightest way.

Maybe I will be ready soon to meet someone again or maybe not. It doesn’t matter now. What really` matters is that I know now that love is not ugly – it never was. It is a gift to experience it and until I will find it with someone else, I will keep giving it to myself.