My darkest cave

I am not going to write specifics about the trigger. There were series of unrelenting pressure for three months – just constantly hammering me from every direction. Then one day – something in me just broke.

It really felt like a very dark cave. No, I did not feel alone or lonely. Those days, I just stopped feeling anything. I stared blankly at the walls. I drifted away. Nothing made sense. I have to force a smile and felt very exhausted right after. I kept my sentences short and direct. My music was silence. It was my own form of catatonia.

There were nights where I just feel every forceful heartbeat while my breaths raise and stops. My chest pain will become very real that I have to stoop low and try to catch my breaths. The familiar feeling will take me back to that night when I almost died in Tasmania; then all the memories I buried in my subconscious starts to creep up. I had to decide whether it’s worth spacing my breath and get a hold of myself or just call triple 0 for the ambulance. Yes, I am clinically symptomatic.

Each day, I try to come out of the cave. I try to ask my friends and loved ones for help. Before I can even open my mouth, they already start talking about their own struggles. Worst, they ask for money. A weird way of checking up on a friend. I guess it’s partly my fault. My friends know me to be a strong and independent person and now they just assume.

So I crawled back to the corner of my cave. There are days that I am already comforted by the darkness.

I think writing about it is a big step in the right direction. I am still trying to find my way out and I think there’s a light from afar. I have my faith. Until then.